Me, Dee-Constructed.

What a year it has been.

I can't quite describe what exactly happened,

what prompted me to become somewhat

disillusioned

with my life:

my work,

my relationships,

my SELF.

After a break-up,

a change of heart in my career,

and a serious heart-to-heart

with God,

I discovered that I didn't want what I wanted anymore.

I simply wanted

what my life wanted

from me.

SO:

I committed

to discover

a new version

of my life.

The terms of this commitment

were really just that:

I would only do what I LOVED everyday.

I would only date someone who inspired me to be more,

well,

ME.

and I would only follow my heart.

All the time,

on purpose.

I felt free.

I felt connected, secure,

deep within my soul

that I was really

for the first time

MINE.

For about a month.

And then everything really changed.

The man of my dreams walked into my life.

6 weeks later, we became engaged.

2 weeks after that,

I quit my jobs,

and went to Australia to

meet his parents.

It was like the commitment I made,

to only follow my heart,

and surround it with joy and love,

came true.

There is this amazing old quote that says something like

'When we commit, Providence moves too.'

*It Did.

After a summer of laying in the hammock,

reading books,

taking road trips to Palm Springs and the Giant Forrest,

playing at the beach,

taking long walks,

and EATING,

I got to know not only my new love,

but even more deeply

MYSELF.

Come Autumn,

I tried to go 'back to work'.

A Halloween party in wine country

and

creative directing a catalog shoot

was the perfect chance to get back on my game.

But it turns out,

I just didn't have it.

That same old passion, that same old NEED

to do what I DO.

And so,

I decided to stop.

To not try to force myself BACK

to what I had done before,

to be who I WAS before.

I just let myself BE.

ME.

Now.

And the new me wanted more.

To be of service to the planet in some way.

To affect people in a deeper way.

To make a difference.

Now, I know we all have the desire to

make the world a better place,

but WHO really has the time?

Well, now, ME, it turns out.

I was given the opportunity to

participate in a project that truly inspired me,

to art-direct the cover for a new

Deepak Chopra

meditation album.

And so I did it.

I'd never done anything exactly like it before,

but since it was so obvious that I was no longer

exactly WHO I thought I was,

what better opportunity to

try something NEW.

To bring to life a new view,

a new representation

of an iconic man

in the name of service.

*What do you think?

After the cover shoot in NYC,

walking through Times Square,

on a cold December Sunday morning,

with the Dr. himself,

I realized I was officially no longer

disillusioned.

I was home.

In my life.

And although this past year

at times has felt

like an illusion,

like in so many ways

it is too good to be true,

It IS.

It's actually even better.

And ya know what?

the new ME,

with the

New man,

New job,

New life,

is what I've always wanted.

I just couldn't have come up with it on my own.

My life,

just simply,

had to show me the way.

And if that isn't too good to be true,

I don't know what is.

xx

Ahhhhmma.

Yesterday,
I went to the fabulous Radisson Hotel at LAX
to see Mata Amritanandamayi,
otherwise known as Amma.


Amma, or 'Mother' is an Indian Spiritual teacher,
and is most widely recognized for her
humanitarian efforts.
Her followers call her the 'Hugging Saint.'

I've never been to an Amma event,
nor had I really heard much about her,
but a friend of mine said a saint was hugging people,
and I thought, 'Why not?'

We arrived and got in line for Darshan,
the opportunity to meet Amma,
get a hug from her,
and subsequently receive her blessing.

There were booths selling amazing scarves,
incense, and tons of books on spirituality.

But something more interesting caught my eye.

The Amma Doll.


Amma Dolls came into being when a
young girl living at Amma's Ashram in India
carried a doll with her everywhere.
Amma suggested that she carry a doll like
Krishna or something similar,
which would help her go toward God
instead of going toward worldly things.

The girls mother asked Amma if she could
make a doll for the girl in her likeness,
and Amma replied with a resounding 'Yes!'

That night the woman made an Amma doll and
the young girl started to carry the doll everywhere they went.

People she encountered, without knowing why, wanted to hold the doll.
The doll became a way for others to receive darshan,
a spiritual encounter with the saint.
Women and men alike claimed to have a spiritual experience
through hugging this doll.

I am always one for having a souvenir of my experiences,
spiritual or otherwise,
so I gave a $20 bill to a woman
selling tiny Amma dolls, about 3 inches tall,
and got in line for my hug.

*my Amma Doll

Amma pushed me to her breast, chanting into my ear,
rocking me like a small baby.
She smelled of incense and rosewater,
and a calmness washed over me.

I was loved.

She blessed my little Amma doll, and sent me on my way,
with a few rose petals, and a Hershey's kiss.

When we left, I realized that I truly AM loved.
And, by many people.

And although I am grateful to have been blessed by a saint,
and to have this sweet little doll to talk to,
ask questions, and have something
to hold as a connection to the Greater Universe,
I realize that I have all that I need inside.

Maybe THAT is what she whispered into my ear...

At the very least, I have a sweet little friend to hold at night,
while I dream of travelling across the stars.

xx

A long repose...

I have missed you all so much.

After a terrible bite from a ferocious beast,

*Marmalade, the ferocious California Alley-Cat

I was left somewhat paralyzed

(and thumbless)

for quite some weeks.

I am back with a thousand stories and adventures to share, 

and cant wait to fill you all in on the incredible moments

I've recently encountered.

To start:

I recently discovered 

(and subsequently became obsessed with)

Sharon Montrose,

a local Los Angeles photographer,

who takes photos of animals in her studio, 

and captures THE most incredible moments.

I am trying to decide which of the many I want to line my hallway, 

I'll post some shots once I've decided and installed them.

Thanks for standing by me in my absence,

I am so excited to get re-acquainted.

xx